How did I just realizes that I've been living in such a base, immoral pit of beauty all year? Gonzaga is so beautiful. A lot of the students here come from wealthy, beautiful families and private schools and sunny California. But if I've learned one non-academic thing this year, it is that personality and principle are dead. Entirely dead. What counts now, here at this place in this day and age, is not what we believe in or the good things that we choose to do. What counts is what we wear, who we're seen with and how we put others down. Gonzaga is a city in which judgments and shit-talking will triumph over personal improvement and perspective and confrontation any day. Two things I hate: judgment and avoidance of confrontation. I wish everyone would keep their goddamn mouths shut from slandering others behind backs and their fists reared for confrontation. I honestly wish, instead of stupid shit-talking, that everyone just walked up to each other and said how they really felt, and accepted the consequences of whatever ensued. At least, then, everyone would experience the pain that they deserve. Maybe if you got punched in the mouth every time you made fun of someone, or said something cruel, or put someone down, you wouldn't do it anymore. But no. Not here. Here at Gonzaga we believe in talking behind backs and avoiding confrontation. It's a much *safer* way to live: neither the talker or the topic get hurt, because (ideally) the topic never finds out he or she is a topic.
I fucking hate it. As this year has progressed, I've found myself analyzing and re-analyzing the actions of others and myself. Trying not to care what others thing, but finding myself livid at their crass and mean shit-talking about me. How do I not care? The shit-talking behind my back is definitely a consequence of me going against this popular grain: doing what I want, when I want to do it, and saying how I feel TO OTHER'S FACES. Why is this such a strange action today? Why do you have to attack me for feeling this way?
I'm making a victim and martyr of myself. I apologize. It's not right, and I'm certainly not perfect in this respect (or any). I've talked my fair share of shit, and avoided my fair share of confrontation. But I'm trying hard to change these things about myself, and I guess my fury comes from the fact that NO ONE else even realizes how this is a problem!?
I hate this modern thought. It's so cowardly. You fucking cowards, with your beautiful clothes, your beautiful faces and your filthy mouths. If you hate me, if you hate what I do, tell me. Now. I don't care how you feel about it, (though I'd like to know in a calm manner, simple for perspective's sake), but if you're going to take an opinion, TELL ME. If you have something nasty to say about me, say it to me. Then, we'll fight fairly with wit or physical strength or even screaming. I'd rather engage in any of this than be a topic of your petty conversations.
On my wall right above my bed, I see Einstein staring off into space and his quote below; "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." But what would a great spirit do? Certainly not get in as many fights as I do. A great spirit would definitely see all of this going on, analyze it objectively, and fight with wit and wisdom. I'd like to get there someday. What would God say? turn the other cheek? Hell no. Not doing that. I'm not nearly strong enough to do that. I've been trying so hard to smile and turn away quietly. But it doesn't work, I just erupt periodically at these awful people.
What do I do? I've heard a lot lately that all you have to do to make a dream a reality is commit it to writing. And I keep telling myself that I can't change those haters, even though I wish I could. But I can only change myself. Here's what I want to work on:
1. Wrangling my tongue
-not exploding when I'm angry
-thinking before speaking
2. let some time elapse between the infliction and my response, to help me formulate my opinions
3. bite back with sharp wit, not a shrill voice
4. stop talking shit. period.
5. if I have a problem with someone, either bring it to them, or forget about it. but mostly, I need to stop picking fights.
6. as hard as it is, and as much as Moans hates it, refuse to believe that the way of the world is devoid of principle. Not that I can change anything, but I can change myself. Who says the way of the world has to be my way?
7. Not giving up.
8. Not caring what others thing or do. Just letting it roll off of my back.
9. Start boxing, to release some of these demons.
10. "Keep your nose out of the sky, keep your heart to God, and keep your face to the rising sun.", think positive. Chin up.
I don't care what you say, Moans, success does not come to the malicious who engage in this stuff. I don't care what the world does, I'm going to make it to the top on principle and hard work. Because I'm Irish, and an American, and my family is the American Dream!
Kiss it, Gonzaga. I'm above this.
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